My story...

This is an extremely personal story- I'm not even sure that I'm going to post it. I felt I needed to get it out somewhere though, and so here I am.

PREFACE:

I work for CASA- which stands for Court Appointed Special Advocates. We serve as the Guardian ad litem for children in the foster care system (read: kid's attorneys). We make recommendations to the court based on the child's best interests. I deal with children, families, family court, and Child Protective Services every day.

STORY:

Today I was sitting in a meeting with this mom- her 3 month old son was picked up on Sunday due to allegations of physical abuse. Mom was diagnosed with a mental illness and has had drug problems. This is her second child- she voluntarily gave up the rights to the first one 3 years ago. As I sat in the meeting, I couldn't help but feel for this mother. The things she did were inexcusable, but I felt more sympathetic than usual for this mom.

BACKSTORY:

My mom is diagnosed with the same illness that this mother has, and I think is taking some of the same medicine.

EPIPHANY:

It hit me tonight at dinner. This woman reminded me of my mother. Granted they are nothing alike- She almost 26 and black, my mom is white and in her 50's. But somehow they reminded me so much of each other. She could have been my mom. Similar things could have happened to us when she flipped out that had happened to her kids.

I was talking to Jake about this case, and suddenly I blurted out- "If it wasn't for my dad, my sister and I could have been picked up." (picked up: taken into state custody and possibly placed in foster care)

It didn't hit me until just now how true that statement is. My life would be very different today without my father. My grandparents or aunts and uncles could have finished raising me. I could have entered into foster care at age 14.

But Dad was there. Dad pulled us through. Dad made sure we were alright.

Holy shit.

I made this realization and started bawling. I had known this all along, that Dad was the reason we are still in tact today, but it took seeing someone so much like my mom come through the system to really put it in perspective. I could have lost my family if Dad hadn't stuck around.

He could have left. He could have bailed the second mom started acting crazy. He could have said Fuck this shit, I'm gone. So many other father's do. I see it every damn day.

But he didn't. He stayed. And for 11 years he put up with it.

REALITY:

Not gracefully put up with it- a lot of my respect for my dad was lost in some of the ways he treated my mom. She wasn't nice back either. Throughout my college years- both undegrad and grad school, Mom and Dad had a VERY toxic relationship.

I told my mom on more than one occasion to go to a domestic violence shelter. I even called there myself once to see what, if anything, they could do to help.

He almost left several times. Once he even started packing his bags. I begged and pleaded with him not to go. He couldn't go. We needed him. He was our rock. Our glue. Mom couldn't do this without him. She'd be homeless on the streets, or in a state mental institution.

He couldn't do that to her either. Even though he felt he had lost his wife- lost the woman he married, he stayed. Because he loved her- and he loved us.

It was such a tough situation. I was torn between wanting dad to just go and stop the verbal and emotional abuse, but at the same time we all needed him. Needed him more than we could have ever comprehended.

All I remember thinking is that I think they can make it through this. I think that they love each other enough to make it through this. They just need time, and help, and to learn to talk to each other again.

I tried to help- I mean I was learning to be a social worker- but then the verbal onslaught was turned on me. "Don't use you psycho shit on me!" or some variation of that was all I heard.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

I owe so much to my dad. I owe him a somewhat normal high school life. I owe him being able to go to college and succeed. Go to graduate school and succeed. Have this job, have this life.

Because he STAYED.

I owe my mom too. I blame her for my becoming a social worker. Granted I'm not in the field of social work that I really want to be in, but I'm doing something every day that I am passionate about- and that I went to school for. In this economy, that's pretty fantastic.

My mom and dad are so much a part of who I am today. What I've been through has made me a stronger person. I wouldn't change who I am today, and it's because of my parents and my sister.

SOAP BOX:

This gets me wondering how many kids would be spared from the court system if the dad's stuck around and were in the picture. Granted some dad's are around, and still mess up, but there are countless cases where mom doesn't even know dad's last name. If these dad's would own up to this, would step up and raise their kids, these kids could have a chance at a court-free semi-normal life.

(semi-normal: Even though dad was around, I still had my issues- bouts of anorexia, -poorly- attempted suicide, made up a twin brother that was "given away at birth." I dated older guys, was rather promiscuous at times, started drinking at 14. I was in therapy until my dad's insurance wouldn't pay it anymore. Like I said- issues)

Dad's still need to step up. Like this dad that I sat in a meeting with this afternoon. He stepped up and took care of his kids. Granted it's not the best situation- they are still involved with us, but he's doing it. He attends every meeting, he makes sure his kids have what they need, and he's working 2 jobs to do it. I admire him.

He reminds me of my dad.

I want to take those kids aside and say "he may be a pain in the ass now, but when you are 25 and look back at your childhood, you are going to be so grateful your dad is in your life."

HAPPY(ISH) ENDING:

My mom and dad are still together, and about a year ago, she started to turn around. I don't know if they changed her medication, if she finally got enough meds in her to balance her out, or since both my sister and I were gone they were forced to actually talk to each other again, but things are almost back to the way they were before my mom flipped out. I asked Dad how things were going when I was home, and he said he finally feels like he has his wife back. They talk, they joke, they have fun. It's not hell to come home and be home like it was before. I feel like I'm starting have my mom back. She left when I was in 8th grade.

It's why I'm in Missouri. I got as far away as I could as soon as I could. I feel bad for leaving my sister there for the brunt of it while I was in college. She's faired pretty well, and I think she was better able to deal with it than I was.

It was a long hard road, but we finally made it full circle. We're a semi functional family again... 11 years in the making.

Christmas and house updates

Merry Christmas! Christmas is one of my favorite holidays of the year- second only to my birthday. :) However, the past few years I've felt that some of the Christmas spirit has been lost. My family party tends to occur the weekend before Christmas, which at first I objected to, but now I'm ok with it.

However, when Christmas occurs almost a week later- I tend not to be home for the real Christmas Eve and Day. It can be a little depressing.

This year, however, I got to have Christmas with my family last weekend, and then we spent Christmas with Jacob's family today and yesterday, which is something we haven't gotten to do yet. It was nice.

Anyway- more about the lack of Christmas spirit: Mom and Dad have been lacking on the Christmas decorations the last several years as well, which, I think, contributes directly to Christmas apathy. However, this year, as we were coming home from the airport, I saw my childhood home DECKED out in Christmas stuff!

It made for a very happy Ashley. Christmas spirit came back! (It also helped that I sent out really cute Christmas cards to friends and family, and decorated my own apartment.)

We had our family Christmas party on my dad's side. It was a $20 White Elephant gift exchange. It was HILARIOUS. The items that got stolen the most was a handle of Vodka (naturally) and a plaid fedora. The cousin who brought the vodka got to take it home, and one cousin paid another cousin for the fedora after it was all over. I stayed out of the craziness... I got a box of chocolates, and then a bonus gift quesadilla maker (that I brought). I thought I did pretty well.

My family celebrated Christmas while I was up there, complete with a Football Sunday smorgasbord (with another embarrassing Chicago Bears lose... :( ) and opening presents. It was a nice time. My mom got a Bears Snuggie- we feel that if she wears that from now on during Bears games, they absolutely cannot lose! (...right...)

Then it was back to Kansas City. I flew out of Milwaukee instead of O'Hare this time because southwest has $49 one way tickets from KC to Milwaukee. It was my first snowy take off...

My favorite part was the snow plows on the tarmac:

But once we got in the air, and past all the snow and clouds it was really pretty!

I landed in KC safely, and then after a day and a half of work, we headed to Jake's parents house for Christmas. It was a nice time- and one of the first times I really felt like I was part of the family. It only took almost 3 years.

Talk at Jacob's parents basically revolved around the house we so desperately want to buy (see previous post- Searching for Home). We have been able to save quite a bit of money in the last month, just by not going out to eat as much, and not spending money on superfluous things. We are in a much better place now than we were a month ago, but still not there yet. (And Christmas probably set us back a bit...)

Jacob's dad was actually really helpful in finding out exactly how much the current owners have left to pay on the house and how low they are willing to settle for. There were a few questions left unanswered, but we felt we were in a better place to negotiate if/when it comes to that time.

We also decided that we wanted to go look at the house again, and ask more questions with our new found knowledge. Just as I was opening up my email to email the owners, there was an email from them in my inbox! They were writing to tell us that they got a very generous gift from his parents, and are lowering the price of the house by $10,500! They also wanted to know if we were still interested in it. I wrote back immediately and said that yes we were, and we were just talking about contacting them for another showing. They sent 2 more emails back, which makes Jake and I think we are their only prospective buyers- which makes me feel a little better.

The house is more within our grasp than it's ever been before, and we're way to excited about it. As much as I try to deny it, if we don't end up with this house, I will be absolutely devastated and heart broken, which is not a healthy place to be.

Nevertheless, it was the best Christmas email I could have ever gotten, considering the context of the past 48 hours.

All we can do now is hope.

Help out a good cause

Hi! I don't know how many people I'm going to reach by doing this, but if you happen to stumble across my blog, and have a facebook account, I really need you to do soemthing for me. I work for Jackson County CASA, in Kansas City, MO. We are a non profit organization who serves as the Guardian ad Litem (attorney) for children in the foster care system. We are their voice in court, adn represent their best interests. Chase Bank and Facebook are doing a $25,000 giveaway on Friday, and we have to be in the top 100 charities to get that $25,000. As a non profit organization with 12 employees and 200+ volunteers- we need all the money we can get. All you need to do is go to this site http://apps.facebook.com/chasecommunitygiving/ become a fan, search for CASA Poject of Jackson County, and vote! Not a lot of time or effort for a huge opportunity to help children in need. Please spread the word, take some time, and VOTE for Jackson County CASA in Kansas City, MO!

searching for home

Jacob and I are looking to buy a house, preferably before the $8000 tax credit expires in April. There are several barriers still in our way.

1. Our lease on our apartment does not end until August.

2. We have ZERO money for a down payment.

3. Jake's bank says in order to approve us for a loan, we need to have and show that we can maintain at least 5% (or 10%? I don't remember) of said loan in the bank for 2 months.

4. We are young, inexperienced, and don't know what we're doing.

Why are these barriers, you ask? Well aside from the obvious, we found our house already. I saw it on Craigslist on Saturday. We went and saw it on Sunday (we were one of 3 showings... and it was only listed Friday). We fell in love even more with it after we saw it, spent Sunday night measuring our stuff, deciding where to put things, and deciding how we would expand our living quarters so we could stay there forever. Then we found out the whole 5% thing, or in the house's case, a little under $10,000 would need to be in our bank accounts until February on Monday. The house will not still be on the market in February- it's that fantastic.

Heartbroken

... but still not without hope.

I am in contact via email with the homeowner of the house, and I'm trying to come up with a crafty, yet noncommittal (maybe?) way of asking her if there have been any offers yet, and, just for good measure, to please please please keep it on the market until we can get approved.

Another interesting twist. Jake was told about the site called www.zillow.com. This site gives you SO much information about virtually every house out there, or at least in the KC area. We found out that the "zestimate" which more or less means the actual market value of the house, is almost $40,000 less than the house is listed for. So, in theory- we have grounds to put in an offer significantly lower than the asking price, and a good chance at knocking several thousand dollars off the final price.

YAY right? Yes, except we still do not have at least 5% of the loan in the bank. However, payday is Friday for both of us- but that is chump change compared to $10,000 we need. A cop and a social worker aren't exactly big money making professions.

However, thanks to zillow, we are now able to search all over KC for houses that are not only for sale, in our price range, in the areas we wouldn't mind living, but also find out whether or not they are asking too little or too much for the house. And we found several adorable little houses that would be perfect for us.

But they aren't "our house." Jake seems to have gotten over the fact that we might not get that house. I haven't. I'm fairly sure I'll be devastated. Already looking at houses is not as much fun as it was before we found "our house." Nothing else can measure up in my mind.

There might be something wrong with me.

Anyway, if anyone has some stellar strategies for saving $10,000 really quickly, or wish to make a donation to the Ashley and Jacob's down payment fund, let me know. :)