absent.

I've been absent, but I've been busy.

Update on my life.

1. Got Violently sick the day after my last post. I lost 10 pounds (and gained them back upon recovery a week and a half later)

2. Went to JN's funeral. African American Baptists know how to throw a party even for the most somber of occaisions.

3. Worked. A. LOT.

4. Went to Colorado over Valentine's Day weekend. "Learned" to snow board. This means I can go toe side, stop, fall, turn around on the ground, occaisionally get myself back up, go heel side until I fall. Repeat. Down a mountain. Soreness ensued.

5. Worked some more.

6. I haven't worked out since the Tuesday before I got sick. I've decided it would be best if I take February off. March 1st it's back to the gym

House Update: WE CLOSE ON FRIDAY!!! We're going to be homeowners! I'm beyond excited. I'm going to paint the bedroom on Saturday. Right now it is "brick." We're going to a green sprout/sagey color. Much more appropriate then red. Jake is going to attempt to refinish the wood floors in the dining room and living room. Also, my sister, his sister, and his mommy are coming on Saturday. My parents are coming the following weekend. We have the entire month of March to move due to lease requirements.

Other news: Obsessed with the Olympics. That's basically all I'm doing. Women's 2 people bobsledding is on right now. Crazy bitches. I love it.

Blog future: I think I'm going to use this to document turning our first house into our home. Before and after pictures, etc... will all go here. It'll give the blog meaning. Right now it's got nothing. I think I need a theme. This whole stream of consciousness thing is clearly not working.

That's all I got. Back to the Olympics I go.

Tragedy

I knew I was going to have to deal with something like this eventually.

One of the kids I worked with during a year long internship was shot and killed on Tuesday night.

Sure, he lived in the projects. It was late at night, on a school night.

But he wasn't doing anything wrong. He was walking to the store with some friends. The story is the gun went off accidently one of the boys he was with pulled out a gun to shoot dogs who were trying to chase them.

The family thinks there were ulterior motives- some fight about a girl.

I don't know what to think.

The last time I saw him- I came back to the center to help out with their end of the summer program, and he was one of the star performances on the turntables and dancing. I remember Jessica was frantic that he wasn't there yet. Then at the last minute, he comes rolling up on his bicycle, fashionably late.

How can he be gone?

This kid was pretty awesome. He had his flaws, but he was making due with what he was given. He was a role model. He calmed the other kids down. He loved life and basketball, and school.

Why did he have to be taken so soon? In such a tragic way? By "friendly" fire?

The bullet entered through his back and went right through his heart. He died at the scene.

You will be missed JN.

house drama 2.0

Offers. Offers are ridiculous.

We made an offer on the house. 9 hours later (overnight 9 hours later) they made their counter offer. We are putting the finishing touches on counter, counter offer (cannot say that with a straight face) and will be sending it as soon as Jacob's dad emails it back to me with his thoughts.

Our offer started out innocent enough. Made sure all of our contingencies were there and correct, explained that we absolutely LOVED their house and want to live there for the rest of our lives. We also shared our concerns.

They countered, said their house was much more awesome that our offer warranted and attempted to use an online tool to make a point.

Attempted. And failed. Although we are first time home buyers, we are not stupid. Jacob and I like to analyze the shit out of things. We found holes in their argument, and pointed that out to them several times in several ways, using their very same tool against them (against is not really the right word, but it's all I can come up with right now). Yes, the point they were trying to make was made. However, the chart said so much more, and fueled our fire.

I feel that our offer is rather harsh. However, they gave us this tool and we interpreted it and explored its functions and found that it met our needs much more than it ever met theirs.

I just hope they don't hate us. If i were them, our offer would make me cry.

On one hand, they have to expect this is coming. But on the other, I feel that the sellers are blind to anything other than how wonderful this house is.

And believe me- the house is ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL. Part of the reason why I feel so bad is that in the long run, both Jacob and I are willing to pay the actual listed price of the house. It's part of the reason why I hate this whole "offer custom" so much. We are not a bartering society anymore. Just name a price and we'll pay it. I just wish they would have named a price more in tune with the surrounding area.

I think that's the problem. The house is amazing, and strides ahead of the area. It shouldn't belong there. It's the neighborhood and it's lower value houses that are bringing it down. In a different neighborhood that house would easily go for tens of thousands more than they are asking.

I'm just worried that this offer will scare them away from us. What if they read it and think "forget you people" and reject our offer without another counter? I would cry. I want this house so much. The last thing I want to do is lose it before it's actually even ours.

Oh the stress. Being an adult is hard.

house drama

Holy shit. I think we're going to do it. I think we're going to buy this house. In a completely non professional way- email negotiations and then meet, possibly over some alcoholic beverages (non alcoholic for the pregnant homeowner) and close.

WTF.

The fact remains that the tax appraisal is significantly lower than the asking price, and we are still going to play hard ball and say that our offer is contingent on getting the loan (read: if the house appraises for lower than the bid, the lender is not going to give us money), and satisfactory home and termite inspections, etc., but holy shit guys, Jake and I are going to buy a house!

If the appraisal comes out lower than the bid- and we don't get the loan- we are able to walk away or we can re-negotiate the price to one where the lender will give us the loan.

Since when did I become old enough to make these decisions?

My story...

This is an extremely personal story- I'm not even sure that I'm going to post it. I felt I needed to get it out somewhere though, and so here I am.

PREFACE:

I work for CASA- which stands for Court Appointed Special Advocates. We serve as the Guardian ad litem for children in the foster care system (read: kid's attorneys). We make recommendations to the court based on the child's best interests. I deal with children, families, family court, and Child Protective Services every day.

STORY:

Today I was sitting in a meeting with this mom- her 3 month old son was picked up on Sunday due to allegations of physical abuse. Mom was diagnosed with a mental illness and has had drug problems. This is her second child- she voluntarily gave up the rights to the first one 3 years ago. As I sat in the meeting, I couldn't help but feel for this mother. The things she did were inexcusable, but I felt more sympathetic than usual for this mom.

BACKSTORY:

My mom is diagnosed with the same illness that this mother has, and I think is taking some of the same medicine.

EPIPHANY:

It hit me tonight at dinner. This woman reminded me of my mother. Granted they are nothing alike- She almost 26 and black, my mom is white and in her 50's. But somehow they reminded me so much of each other. She could have been my mom. Similar things could have happened to us when she flipped out that had happened to her kids.

I was talking to Jake about this case, and suddenly I blurted out- "If it wasn't for my dad, my sister and I could have been picked up." (picked up: taken into state custody and possibly placed in foster care)

It didn't hit me until just now how true that statement is. My life would be very different today without my father. My grandparents or aunts and uncles could have finished raising me. I could have entered into foster care at age 14.

But Dad was there. Dad pulled us through. Dad made sure we were alright.

Holy shit.

I made this realization and started bawling. I had known this all along, that Dad was the reason we are still in tact today, but it took seeing someone so much like my mom come through the system to really put it in perspective. I could have lost my family if Dad hadn't stuck around.

He could have left. He could have bailed the second mom started acting crazy. He could have said Fuck this shit, I'm gone. So many other father's do. I see it every damn day.

But he didn't. He stayed. And for 11 years he put up with it.

REALITY:

Not gracefully put up with it- a lot of my respect for my dad was lost in some of the ways he treated my mom. She wasn't nice back either. Throughout my college years- both undegrad and grad school, Mom and Dad had a VERY toxic relationship.

I told my mom on more than one occasion to go to a domestic violence shelter. I even called there myself once to see what, if anything, they could do to help.

He almost left several times. Once he even started packing his bags. I begged and pleaded with him not to go. He couldn't go. We needed him. He was our rock. Our glue. Mom couldn't do this without him. She'd be homeless on the streets, or in a state mental institution.

He couldn't do that to her either. Even though he felt he had lost his wife- lost the woman he married, he stayed. Because he loved her- and he loved us.

It was such a tough situation. I was torn between wanting dad to just go and stop the verbal and emotional abuse, but at the same time we all needed him. Needed him more than we could have ever comprehended.

All I remember thinking is that I think they can make it through this. I think that they love each other enough to make it through this. They just need time, and help, and to learn to talk to each other again.

I tried to help- I mean I was learning to be a social worker- but then the verbal onslaught was turned on me. "Don't use you psycho shit on me!" or some variation of that was all I heard.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

I owe so much to my dad. I owe him a somewhat normal high school life. I owe him being able to go to college and succeed. Go to graduate school and succeed. Have this job, have this life.

Because he STAYED.

I owe my mom too. I blame her for my becoming a social worker. Granted I'm not in the field of social work that I really want to be in, but I'm doing something every day that I am passionate about- and that I went to school for. In this economy, that's pretty fantastic.

My mom and dad are so much a part of who I am today. What I've been through has made me a stronger person. I wouldn't change who I am today, and it's because of my parents and my sister.

SOAP BOX:

This gets me wondering how many kids would be spared from the court system if the dad's stuck around and were in the picture. Granted some dad's are around, and still mess up, but there are countless cases where mom doesn't even know dad's last name. If these dad's would own up to this, would step up and raise their kids, these kids could have a chance at a court-free semi-normal life.

(semi-normal: Even though dad was around, I still had my issues- bouts of anorexia, -poorly- attempted suicide, made up a twin brother that was "given away at birth." I dated older guys, was rather promiscuous at times, started drinking at 14. I was in therapy until my dad's insurance wouldn't pay it anymore. Like I said- issues)

Dad's still need to step up. Like this dad that I sat in a meeting with this afternoon. He stepped up and took care of his kids. Granted it's not the best situation- they are still involved with us, but he's doing it. He attends every meeting, he makes sure his kids have what they need, and he's working 2 jobs to do it. I admire him.

He reminds me of my dad.

I want to take those kids aside and say "he may be a pain in the ass now, but when you are 25 and look back at your childhood, you are going to be so grateful your dad is in your life."

HAPPY(ISH) ENDING:

My mom and dad are still together, and about a year ago, she started to turn around. I don't know if they changed her medication, if she finally got enough meds in her to balance her out, or since both my sister and I were gone they were forced to actually talk to each other again, but things are almost back to the way they were before my mom flipped out. I asked Dad how things were going when I was home, and he said he finally feels like he has his wife back. They talk, they joke, they have fun. It's not hell to come home and be home like it was before. I feel like I'm starting have my mom back. She left when I was in 8th grade.

It's why I'm in Missouri. I got as far away as I could as soon as I could. I feel bad for leaving my sister there for the brunt of it while I was in college. She's faired pretty well, and I think she was better able to deal with it than I was.

It was a long hard road, but we finally made it full circle. We're a semi functional family again... 11 years in the making.

Christmas and house updates

Merry Christmas! Christmas is one of my favorite holidays of the year- second only to my birthday. :) However, the past few years I've felt that some of the Christmas spirit has been lost. My family party tends to occur the weekend before Christmas, which at first I objected to, but now I'm ok with it.

However, when Christmas occurs almost a week later- I tend not to be home for the real Christmas Eve and Day. It can be a little depressing.

This year, however, I got to have Christmas with my family last weekend, and then we spent Christmas with Jacob's family today and yesterday, which is something we haven't gotten to do yet. It was nice.

Anyway- more about the lack of Christmas spirit: Mom and Dad have been lacking on the Christmas decorations the last several years as well, which, I think, contributes directly to Christmas apathy. However, this year, as we were coming home from the airport, I saw my childhood home DECKED out in Christmas stuff!

It made for a very happy Ashley. Christmas spirit came back! (It also helped that I sent out really cute Christmas cards to friends and family, and decorated my own apartment.)

We had our family Christmas party on my dad's side. It was a $20 White Elephant gift exchange. It was HILARIOUS. The items that got stolen the most was a handle of Vodka (naturally) and a plaid fedora. The cousin who brought the vodka got to take it home, and one cousin paid another cousin for the fedora after it was all over. I stayed out of the craziness... I got a box of chocolates, and then a bonus gift quesadilla maker (that I brought). I thought I did pretty well.

My family celebrated Christmas while I was up there, complete with a Football Sunday smorgasbord (with another embarrassing Chicago Bears lose... :( ) and opening presents. It was a nice time. My mom got a Bears Snuggie- we feel that if she wears that from now on during Bears games, they absolutely cannot lose! (...right...)

Then it was back to Kansas City. I flew out of Milwaukee instead of O'Hare this time because southwest has $49 one way tickets from KC to Milwaukee. It was my first snowy take off...

My favorite part was the snow plows on the tarmac:

But once we got in the air, and past all the snow and clouds it was really pretty!

I landed in KC safely, and then after a day and a half of work, we headed to Jake's parents house for Christmas. It was a nice time- and one of the first times I really felt like I was part of the family. It only took almost 3 years.

Talk at Jacob's parents basically revolved around the house we so desperately want to buy (see previous post- Searching for Home). We have been able to save quite a bit of money in the last month, just by not going out to eat as much, and not spending money on superfluous things. We are in a much better place now than we were a month ago, but still not there yet. (And Christmas probably set us back a bit...)

Jacob's dad was actually really helpful in finding out exactly how much the current owners have left to pay on the house and how low they are willing to settle for. There were a few questions left unanswered, but we felt we were in a better place to negotiate if/when it comes to that time.

We also decided that we wanted to go look at the house again, and ask more questions with our new found knowledge. Just as I was opening up my email to email the owners, there was an email from them in my inbox! They were writing to tell us that they got a very generous gift from his parents, and are lowering the price of the house by $10,500! They also wanted to know if we were still interested in it. I wrote back immediately and said that yes we were, and we were just talking about contacting them for another showing. They sent 2 more emails back, which makes Jake and I think we are their only prospective buyers- which makes me feel a little better.

The house is more within our grasp than it's ever been before, and we're way to excited about it. As much as I try to deny it, if we don't end up with this house, I will be absolutely devastated and heart broken, which is not a healthy place to be.

Nevertheless, it was the best Christmas email I could have ever gotten, considering the context of the past 48 hours.

All we can do now is hope.

Help out a good cause

Hi! I don't know how many people I'm going to reach by doing this, but if you happen to stumble across my blog, and have a facebook account, I really need you to do soemthing for me. I work for Jackson County CASA, in Kansas City, MO. We are a non profit organization who serves as the Guardian ad Litem (attorney) for children in the foster care system. We are their voice in court, adn represent their best interests. Chase Bank and Facebook are doing a $25,000 giveaway on Friday, and we have to be in the top 100 charities to get that $25,000. As a non profit organization with 12 employees and 200+ volunteers- we need all the money we can get. All you need to do is go to this site http://apps.facebook.com/chasecommunitygiving/ become a fan, search for CASA Poject of Jackson County, and vote! Not a lot of time or effort for a huge opportunity to help children in need. Please spread the word, take some time, and VOTE for Jackson County CASA in Kansas City, MO!